In a stunning display of proactive problem-solving, the U.S. government has heroically slammed the brakes on the Diversity Immigrant Visa program, also known as the Green Card Lottery. Why, you ask? Because one single individual, out of the tens of thousands granted visas over the years, turned out to be a “heinous individual.” It’s a classic case of “one bad apple spoils the entire, massive, multi-decade-long barrel.”

Let’s unpack this masterstroke of policy. The suspected shooter in the recent Brown University and MIT incidents, Claudio Manuel Neves Valente, reportedly entered the U.S. through the Diversity Visa program back in 2017. He first arrived on a student visa, but that’s a less interesting detail. The *real* culprit here is clearly the random lottery system that dared to grant him permanent residency.

In response, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, at the direction of President Trump, took to the modern-day forum of titans, the social media platform X, to declare an immediate pause on the program. Her reasoning was flawless: “to ensure no more Americans are harmed.” It’s a bold and comforting claim. With the Green Card Lottery on ice, all other potential threats to American safety have presumably been neutralized as well. A true victory for security theater everywhere!

A Lottery of Scapegoats

For those unfamiliar with this now-infamous lottery, it was a quaint little system started in the 1990s with the bizarre goal of diversifying the U.S. immigrant population. The program allocated up to 55,000 visas annually to people from countries with low immigration rates. It was a wild idea, suggesting that strength might come from diversity. But now we know the truth: it was all just a complicated, multi-decade plot to let in one bad guy.

Over 22 million people apply for this lottery every year, hoping for a shot at the American dream. But it turns out they were all just unwitting extras in a drama that would culminate in one man’s alleged crimes. It’s only logical to suspend the dreams of 22 million people because of the actions of one. If someone who won the Powerball jackpot later gets a speeding ticket, should we shut down the Powerball, too? It’s a question worth asking.

Secretary Noem stated the suspect “should never have been allowed in our country.” A fair point. Let’s just hope no one looks into how many people born and raised in the U.S. have committed heinous crimes. That could get awkward.

For now, we can all sleep soundly knowing that the government has identified the *real* problem: a random lottery. Not the individual, not any other systemic issues, but the sheer, unadulterated chaos of randomized chance.

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Sources:

• NPR: Trump suspends US green card lottery after Brown University and MIT shootings
• PBS NewsHour: Trump suspends green card lottery program that let Brown University, MIT shootings suspect into U.S.
• Wikipedia: Diversity Immigrant Visa
• Boundless: What is the Diversity Visa Lottery to Get a Green Card?
• CBS News: Noem says Brown shooting suspect got U.S. visa through diversity lottery, announces pause to program
• CNN: Why the US is targeting the diversity visa lottery and what it means for applicants
• The Washington Post: Trump administration suspends green-card lottery after Brown shooting
• The Guardian: Trump suspends US green card lottery in wake of Brown University and MIT shootings