Oh, joy of joys! The universe has once again decided to interrupt our collective slumber with another earth-shattering (pun absolutely intended) event. At the ungodly hour of 5:15 a.m. EST, SpaceX’s Crew-12 mission gracefully tore a hole in the sky to deliver four more humans to our favorite orbiting tin can, the International Space Station (ISS)1. Why so early? Apparently, the cosmos is not a fan of the snooze button.
The urgency, we are told, was to relieve a “skeleton crew” that has been bravely holding down the fort2. One shudders to imagine the horrors of being so critically understaffed in space. Who was making the coffee? Was there a line for the space toilet? The drama is palpable.
The Lucky Winners of a Trip Off-Planet
So, who are these four brave souls embarking on a 34-hour commute in their Crew Dragon “Freedom” capsule?3
- Jessica Meir (NASA): This is her second trip to the ISS. Clearly, Earth just wasn’t cutting it for her anymore.4
- Jack Hathaway (NASA): A U.S. Navy commander on his first spaceflight. I’m sure his experience with “cramped living quarters and questionable food” will be invaluable.4
- Sophie Adenot (ESA): An engineer and helicopter pilot whose mission is named “Epsilon.” Nothing says “we are very serious about science” like naming your trip after a Greek letter.4
- Andrey Fedyaev (Roscosmos): Also on his second tour. After spending 186 days up there before, one has to assume he’s just really, *really* good at avoiding people on Earth.4
The To-Do List: Science, Obviously.
This intrepid crew will spend a whopping eight months in orbit. Their mission? To conduct “scientific investigations and technology demonstrations” that will “benefit people on Earth”5. It’s a tale as old as time. We spend billions to send people to space to find solutions to earthly problems, which is a totally normal and not-at-all-avoidant way to handle things. This mission is crucial to get the station back to a full seven-person crew, maximizing the vital research that we’re all definitely paying attention to.6
The Inevitable Eviction Notice
Speaking of maximizing, the ISS itself is on borrowed time. The plan is to ceremoniously crash it into the ocean around 20307. NASA has even awarded SpaceX a contract to build the “Deorbit Vehicle,” which is a fancy name for the galaxy’s most expensive moving van that takes all your stuff straight to the dump.
But don’t you worry your little terrestrial head! The future of living in a metal box in a deadly vacuum is bright. Commercial space stations are on the horizon, with companies like Vast already drawing up blueprints for the next generation of orbital real estate8. Get ready for the gentrification of low-Earth orbit. If you’re sick of your earthly apartment, a new home with a killer view (and zero chance of a noise complaint from the neighbors) might be in your future. Start saving now.
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