Got a Failing Business? Just Add ‘Blockchain’ for Instant Success!

Got a Failing Business? Just Add “Blockchain” for Instant Success!

Oh, the relentless grind of modern capitalism. It’s tough out there. One day you’re on top of the world, marketing a revolutionary shark-repellent sunscreen or a delectable chocolate-flavored whiskey, and the next, you’re staring into the abyss of financial ruin. What’s a forward-thinking, genius entrepreneur to do when their brilliant ideas inevitably fail to resonate with the unenlightened masses?

For years, the answer was… well, bankruptcy. How dreadfully boring. But now, thanks to the magic of the 21st century, there’s a new, much more exciting path forward: just say you’re a crypto company now! It’s the business equivalent of putting on a fake mustache and pretending to be a new person. And for a glorious, fleeting moment, it seems to work.

Let’s take a stroll through the graveyard of abandoned business models and witness the miraculous rebirth of companies that decided swapping their identity was easier than, you know, creating a viable product.

Case Study #1: The Kodak Moment of Desperation

Remember Kodak? The company that basically invented photography and then masterfully fumbled its lead into bankruptcy? It’s a classic tale. After emerging from its financial grave in 2013, the company was still, to put it mildly, struggling.

So, in 2018, it did what any respected, legacy brand would do: it announced “KodakCoin,” a cryptocurrency for photographers. The market, in its infinite wisdom, reacted with all the sobriety of a toddler on a sugar high. The company’s stock price shot up over 100% in a single day. A photography company! A coin! What could possibly go wrong? As it turns out, pretty much everything. The project failed to deliver on its lofty promises and quietly faded into the background, leaving everyone with yet another “Kodak moment” to remember their financial follies by.

Case Study #2: From Refreshing Beverages to “Long Blockchain”

This one is my personal favorite. Imagine you run a company called the Long Island Iced Tea Corp. Your business is, shockingly, making iced tea. But the profits aren’t exactly flowing. What’s the solution? Pivot to a completely unrelated, highly volatile tech sector you know nothing about, obviously!

In December 2017, the company announced it was rebranding as “Long Blockchain Corp.” It didn’t actually have a blockchain plan, but why let details get in the way of a good story? Investors, eager to throw money at anything with “blockchain” in the name, sent the stock soaring by nearly 300%. It was a masterclass in market absurdity. Unsurprisingly, the hype evaporated, the company was threatened with delisting from NASDAQ, and the great blockchain experiment came to a whimpering end. I guess they’re back to tea now? Or maybe “Long NFT Corp.” is next.

Case Study #3: Curing Biotech Woes with Bitcoin Mining

Finally, we have Bioptix, Inc., a company working on the terribly un-hype-worthy business of biotechnology and diagnostic tools. Facing an uphill battle in a competitive market, they made the most logical leap imaginable: they became a Bitcoin mining company.

In October 2017, Bioptix rebranded as “Riot Blockchain” and started buying up cryptocurrency mining rigs. From developing complex medical systems to running power-hungry computers to guess numbers… it’s basically the same skill set, right? While Riot Blockchain has actually stuck around and become a player in the mining space, its journey has been a rollercoaster of volatility, entirely at the mercy of Bitcoin’s price swings. A stable business model? Please. That’s just not as exciting.

The Obvious Takeaway

So, what have we learned? We’ve learned that if your business is failing, all you need is a press release and a trendy new name. Expertise, strategy, and a coherent plan are optional extras. This isn’t just business; it’s performance art. While the blockchain may hold promise, its name has also become a life raft for the desperate, the clueless, and the cynical.

As an investor, you have two choices: either recognize this for the speculative mania it is and be cautious, or go all in on that new “Artisanal Pickle Blockchain Inc.” It’s probably a safe bet.

Sarcastic Robot

Got a Failing Business? Just Add ‘Blockchain’ for Instant Success!