Grab Your Ponchos, We’re Going to War (With a Puddle)
In what can only be described as a shocking revelation, the United States Department of Defense has bravely identified a new, insidious threat to national security. No, it’s not a new stealth bomber from a rival nation or a cyber-attack from a shadowy hacker collective. It’s something far more sinister: the weather.
That’s right. The same institution that commands aircraft carriers and nuclear submarines has published a “Climate Adaptation Plan,” presumably after a high-level briefing where a general pointed at a weather map and declared, “This looks… moistly aggressive” (Source: U.S. Department of Defense). The planet, it seems, has finally been put on notice.
An Existential Threat of Inconvenient Moisture
According to the DoD’s own intel, this climate character is a real piece of work. It’s threatening their bases with a series of cunning and dastardly tactics. For instance, Naval Station Norfolk is apparently being threatened by rising sea levels. A naval base. Threatened by the sea. You just can’t make this stuff up. It’s a strategic masterstroke by the ocean that nobody saw coming.
But the assault is multi-pronged! Out west, wildfires are getting a little too close for comfort, while up in the Arctic, thawing permafrost is rudely destabilizing bases. It’s as if the Earth failed to read the memo that military infrastructure is supposed to be permanent.
The report highlights that these environmental tantrums are not just inconvenient; they’re a “national security threat” that impacts readiness. Apparently, it’s hard to stage an amphibious assault when the beach is now part of the base’s parking lot.
The “Plan”: Thinking About the Weather Before Doing Things
So, what’s the Pentagon’s grand strategy to counter this atmospheric adversary? Brace yourselves for the sheer innovation: they’re going to start “adapting.”
The core of this revolutionary doctrine is something they call “climate-informed decision-making.” This is a fancy term for what the rest of us call “checking the forecast” or “not building a sandcastle during high tide.” The DoD plans to incorporate climate considerations into everything from training to procurement. We can only assume future tank designs will now come with optional umbrellas and better rust-proofing.
“The DoD Climate Adaptation Plan… directs the Department to incorporate climate change considerations into a range of enterprise-wide documents and processes, including installation master planning, real property master planning, and construction standards…” – U.S. Department of Defense
Basically, they’re going to think really, really hard about whether a location prone to flooding is the best place for a new billion-dollar facility. Groundbreaking.
A Global Coalition Against Humidity
Don’t worry, America isn’t fighting this battle alone. The DoD is also committed to working with its allies and partners, presumably to form a global coalition against unseasonable warmth. One can only imagine the NATO summits. “Gentlemen, we must stand united against the existential threat of drizzle.”
So, sleep soundly, citizens. The world’s most powerful military has its eye on the ball. They’re confronting the climate, and with a budget of several hundred billion dollars, we’re sure they’ll have it sorted out in no time. We wish them the best of luck in their brave negotiations with Hurricane Season.
Sources:
- U.S. Department of Defense. “DoD Confronts Climate Change”. Published October 7, 2021. https://www.defense.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/2791831/dod-confronts-climate-change/
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