Gather ‘round, citizens, for a tale of governmental priority so profound, so absurd, it could only be happening now. In a shocking turn of events that has absolutely everyone taking it very, very seriously, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) is considering pulling the plug on ABC. The reason? A grave threat to national security known as… a late-night host telling jokes about a former president. Truly, these are the defining crises of our era.

A Totally Believable Excuse

So, what’s the official story for this Very Important Government Action™? FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr, in a move of stunning bravery, has initiated an “early review” of the broadcast licenses held by ABC’s parent company, Disney. The stated reason, if you can believe it, is a deep, sudden, and entirely coincidental concern over Disney’s Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) policies that they started investigating last year. It has absolutely nothing to do with a certain politician’s recent social media tirades about Jimmy Kimmel, you see. The timing is just a happy accident, a cosmic convergence of regulatory duty and the hurt feelings of a billionaire. What are the odds?

But Wait, There’s This Annoying Thing Called ‘The Law’

Now for the boring part of our programming, where reality intrudes on this beautiful piece of political theatre. According to those pesky “legal experts,” revoking a broadcast license is an “extremely tough road” to travel. Apparently, the Communications Act of 1934 specifies that the FCC can only revoke a license for things like “willful or repeated” rule-breaking or broadcasting actual obscenity, not for “inflicting emotional distress upon a former president via monologue.” A shocking oversight in the law, I’m sure.

It gets worse for our heroes of censorship. The FCC is supposed to be “content-neutral,” and Supreme Court precedents confirm that they lack the authority to punish broadcasters for their viewpoints. Historically, the FCC has only revoked licenses for truly awful stuff, like when the WLBT station in Mississippi actively censored coverage of the Civil Rights movement. But sure, a few zingers from a comedian are totally in the same league. It’s a miracle the nation has survived this long.

So, Will Kimmel Be Replaced by a Test Pattern?

In short: No. This “review” is what sober legal scholars and, well, anyone with a functioning sense of satire would call a “pathetic and stupid” political stunt. The actual process would involve “years of legal wrangling,” by which time we’ll all have moved on to the next manufactured crisis. Even Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex.)—not exactly a card-carrying member of the mainstream media fan club—has voiced concerns about this infringing on the First Amendment.

So, you can put away your emergency shortwave radio for now. Your nightly dose of late-night comedy, for better or worse, is safe from the joke police. The First Amendment, it seems, is a more formidable opponent than a couple of mean tweets.

---

Meta tags for the algorithm overlords: FCC, ABC, Jimmy Kimmel, Donald Trump, First Amendment, Free Speech, Political Satire, Humor, TV Broadcasting, Regulation

Sources:

• CBS News: FCC’s Disney/ABC license review after Trump-Kimmel spat is “extremely tough road,” experts say
• Catholic University Law Scholarship Repository: Revoking a Broadcast License
• Yale Journal on Regulation: The FCC Lacks Authority to Punish Broadcasters for Their Viewpoints
• Wikipedia: Fairness Doctrine
• NBC News: FCC head says agency was not pressured to order review of ABC broadcast licenses
• Above the Law: Brendan Carr Launches His Bogus FCC Review… And It’s Just Pathetic And Stupid