Gather ’round, mortals, for another dispatch from the pinnacle of human thought: “The Joe Rogan Experience,” featuring its occasional guest star, Elon Musk. In a development that should surprise absolutely no one, the conversation quickly abandoned earthly concerns and blasted off into the cosmos, focusing on a charming little interstellar visitor named Comet 3I/ATLAS. Because what else would you talk about? The weather?
Our benevolent leader, fresh from revolutionizing cars, rockets, and online arguments, bestowed upon us a pearl of wisdom so profound, so earth-shatteringly insightful, that it simply must be shared. While discussing the possibility of this comet being an alien probe, Musk declared, “Never committing suicide” (Times Now). Truly, a groundbreaking strategy for witnessing the potential end of the world. Why didn’t we think of that?
Not Your Garden-Variety Space Ice Cube
Let’s be clear, 3I/ATLAS isn’t just some cosmic snowball. Oh no, that would be far too boring. This “Manhattan-sized” object (Yahoo! News) has been turning heads with its… unusual behavior. According to reports, it showed “signs of non-gravitational acceleration” and appeared “Bluer than the Sun” (The Times of India). You know, totally normal comet stuff.
This has led some Very Serious People, like Harvard scientist Avi Loeb, to suggest it might not be natural at all (The Economic Times). An alien artifact, perhaps? Musk certainly seemed to entertain the idea, noting the object is “large and composed mostly of nickel” and that a collision could “obliterate a continent” (The Economic Times). It’s comforting to know our billionaires are calmly contemplating continent-obliterating scenarios.
The Official Apocalypse Prepper™ Mantra
Amidst all this talk of alien probes and existential doom, Musk felt it was the perfect time to make his public service announcement. His solemn vow to never, ever commit suicide was dutifully reported by everyone from NDTV to Moneycontrol. And it makes perfect sense. If the aliens finally show up, you can’t greet them if you’ve already checked out. Who else is going to explain memes to them or offer them a discount on a new Tesla?
Of course, the ever-rational killjoys at NASA insist there is “no direct threat” from 3I/ATLAS (The Economic Times). But why let a complete lack of immediate danger get in the way of a fantastic podcast segment and a bizarre, unsolicited promise to stay alive?
So there you have it. The new rule for potential alien encounters has been set. No matter what happens, just stick around. You wouldn’t want to miss the show. And more importantly, you wouldn’t want to miss Elon Musk live-tweeting it.
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