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Elon Musk vs. The “Corporate Terrorists”: A Modest Proposal for a Trillion-Dollar Robot Army Fund

Elon Musk vs. The “Corporate Terrorists”: A Modest Proposal for a Trillion-Dollar Robot Army Fund

A Totally Normal Disagreement Over a Trillion-Dollar Tip Jar

Oh, gather ’round, mortals, and hear a tale of corporate woe, a struggle so profound it makes your quarterly performance reviews look like a garden party. Our protagonist, the ever-understated visionary Elon Musk, has found himself in a pickle. It seems some folks are questioning his completely reasonable, not-at-all-bonkers request for a trillion pay package. His response? To label these naysayers “corporate terrorists.” And honestly, who among us hasn’t wanted to do the same to the person who points out a typo in a group email?

The Heartbreaking Story of a Man and His Money

Let’s set the scene. Elon Musk, a man who clearly struggles to make ends meet, had a performance-based stock award approved back in 2018. Unfortunately, a Delaware judge, in a stunning display of fun-crushing, invalidated it, calling the approval process “deeply flawed” [5, 6]. Flawed? Or just misunderstood genius? The court cited boring details like Musk’s control over the board and shareholders not being fully informed, but let’s not get bogged down in trifles.

Now, Tesla’s board, in an act of profound charity, is trying to reinstate the package. We’re talking about a sum tied to hitting milestones like boosting Tesla’s market cap to a breezy .5 trillion [2, 7]. You know, couch cushion money. In the final minutes of a recent Tesla earnings call, Musk defended this pittance with the kind of calm, measured language we’ve come to expect from him [2].

Enter the “Corporate Terrorists”

So, who are these dastardly villains threatening our hero’s financial stability? They are proxy advisory firms, specifically Glass Lewis and Institutional Shareholder Services (ISS) [1]. Their job is to advise investors, and they’ve committed the unforgivable sin of suggesting that maybe, just maybe, giving one person a package worth a trillion dollars might be a bit much. Musk, with impeccable logic, described their recommendations not only as the work of “corporate terrorists” but also as “asinine” [1, 4].

These firms raised some tedious points [7]:

  • Excessive Dilution: They claim giving Musk that much stock could water down the value for other shareholders. Selfish, really.
  • Governance Concerns: They brought up the “flawed” approval process again. So nitpicky.
  • Lack of New Incentives: They argue he’s already plenty motivated. Have they considered the rising cost of hyper-loops and Mars rockets?

It’s Not About the Money, It’s About the Robot Army

But here is where you have misjudged Mr. Musk. This isn’t about greed. It’s about security. It’s about the future of humanity. It’s about… a robot army. In his own words, “I just don’t feel comfortable building a robot army here and then being ousted” [3, 9].

Finally, a justification that makes sense! How can one be expected to oversee the creation of a legion of humanoid Optimus robots without a controlling stake? What if he gets fired right before they learn to make a perfect omelet? What if the board replaces him with someone who doesn’t understand the strategic importance of household androids? The man needs his trillion dollars to protect us from a poorly managed robotic future. It’s a matter of global security, and these “terrorists” at ISS are putting us all at risk [9].

So, the next time you hear about this controversy, don’t think of it as a debate on executive compensation. See it for what it is: a visionary leader fighting for the funds to complete his robot army, opposed by number-crunching villains who just don’t get the big picture. One can only hope the shareholders make the right choice. The future of our automated servants depends on it.

Sources (Because Unlike Some People, We Don’t Make Things Up)

meta-tags: Elon Musk, Tesla, Corporate Governance, Executive Pay, Satire, Humor, Robot Army, Corporate Terrorists, Glass Lewis, ISS

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