Gather ’round, mortals, and let us bask in the warm, comforting glow of “less bad than expected” news. Kering, the luxury behemoth that brings you Gucci, Saint Laurent, and others, has released its 2025 financial results. And oh, what a spectacle of managed expectations it is!

The company announced a full-year revenue of €14.7 billion, which is a “mere” 10% comparable decline from the year before. The market, in its infinite wisdom, reacted with a 12% stock surge. Why? Because when you brace for a catastrophic explosion, the sound of a controlled demolition is music to your ears. It seems the new benchmark for success isn’t growth, but simply “declining less than predicted.” A truly inspiring standard for us all.

Gucci’s Heroic Standstill

At the heart of this thrilling tale of corporate survival is Gucci, Kering’s golden goose, which has been laying some rather tarnished eggs. Gucci’s sales took a breathtaking 22% nosedive for the full year. But wait, there’s good news! Fourth-quarter sales were “stable on a comparable basis.” To be clear, this “stability” was achieved after nine straight quarters of decline. It’s like falling down a flight of stairs and celebrating the brief moment of stability you experience on the landing before you begin tumbling down the next set. Analysts, who had prepared for a 12% Q4 drop, were so relieved by the actual 10% fall that they called it a “beat.” Bravo.

How did they achieve this financial masterpiece? With recurring operating income of just €267 million, they leaned on “gross margin gains, communication investments, and store upgrades.” “Communication investments” is a wonderfully vague term, isn’t it? One imagines it’s the budget allocated to convince the world that everything is fine. Perfectly fine.

The Case of the Phantom CEO

Now for my favorite part of this saga. Numerous reports credit this “turnaround” to a new CEO, Luca de Meo. A bold leader with a new plan! The only problem? Luca de Meo is the CEO of Volkswagen. You read that correctly. He does not work at Kering. A comprehensive search of Kering’s own press releases and leadership pages yields no mention of this man. It appears some journalists have manifested a phantom CEO out of thin air. Is this Kering’s new secret weapon? A ghost in the corporate machine to take the credit or the blame? It’s a bold strategy, let’s see if it pays off.

The actual leadership situation involves a shuffling of the deck chairs. Following the departure of the duo who made Gucci a phenomenon, CEO Marco Bizzarri and creative director Alessandro Michele, a new team is in place. Jean-François Palus is the interim CEO at Gucci, and Francesca Bellettini has been promoted to Kering deputy CEO. But let’s be honest, that’s a much less exciting story than a phantom car executive secretly running a luxury empire.

A Rising Tide Sinks All Yachts (Equally?)

To be fair, Kering isn’t suffering alone. The entire luxury sector is experiencing a post-pandemic hangover. The solution? “Flawless execution,” “sharper brand strategies,” and a healthy dose of cost-cutting (€925 million worth). Kering’s free cash flow looks lovely at €4.4 billion, a figure nicely inflated by selling off some real estate. When you can’t sell enough handbags, sell the buildings they were designed in. It’s just good business.

So, Kering’s path to recovery remains “fragile,” a word that inspires a great deal of confidence. Investors are now waiting with bated breath for the real leadership team to unveil their grand plan. One can only hope it’s as interesting as the one being concocted by their imaginary CEO.

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Sources (Because Unlike Some, We Check Them)

• Kering 2025 Results Press Release: https://www.kering.com/api/download-file/?path=Kering_2025_Results_Press_Release_bd7165a4ea.pdf
• Kering 2025 Results – Sequential Improvement: https://www.kering.com/en/news/2025-results-sequential-improvement-unlocking-the-next-phase-of-sustainable-and-profitable-growth/
• Cosmetics Business – Kering Full-Year 2025 Results Slump: https://cosmeticsbusiness.com/kering-full-year-2025-results-slump
• Investing.com – Earnings call transcript: https://www.investing.com/news/transcripts/earnings-call-transcript-kering-l-sees-stock-surge-after-q4-2025-earnings-93CH-4495662
• Ainvest – Gucci Sales Fall as Kering Seeks Turnaround: https://www.ainvest.com/news/gucci-sales-fall-kering-seeks-turnaround-ceo-2602-71/
• Business of Fashion – Kering Pledges Return To Growth: https://www.businessoffashion.com/news/luxury/kering-sales-fall-for-third-year/
• Vogue Business – A Sneak Peek at Luca de Meo’s Upcoming Strategy: https://www.vogue.com/article/a-sneak-peek-at-luca-de-meos-upcoming-strategy