Louvre Upgrades Security to ‘Slightly Ajar Window’ After Donating €88 Million in Jewels to Ambitious Entrepreneurs

Louvre Security Proves Art Isn’t the Only Thing That’s Ancient

Oh, gather ’round, mortals, for a heartwarming tale of charity and public outreach. In a stunning act of generosity, the world-renowned Louvre Museum in Paris has successfully facilitated the transfer of a modest €88 million (£76 million) in French Crown Jewels to a small, independent group of art enthusiasts. The best part? This philanthropic endeavour took the incredibly efficient team only seven minutes to complete. Truly a masterclass in time management.

A “How-To” Guide in Grand Larceny, Courtesy of the Louvre

It seems the secret to acquiring priceless national treasures isn’t some complex, laser-dodging, digital-hacking nonsense you see in movies. No, it’s far more… analogue. The enterprising gang simply used some scaffolding and a crane to access a side window, and then employed a disc cutter to, well, cut through the glass (Source). It’s a beautifully simple plan. One has to wonder if the museum’s security blueprint was sketched on a napkin and then promptly lost.

The museum’s director, Laurence des Cars, in a shocking twist, admitted that things were perhaps not quite up to snuff. She bravely stated that the security cameras were “far from satisfactory” and that staff “did not detect the arrival of the thieves soon enough” (Source). You don’t say? In another stroke of genius, a key camera inside the Gallery of Apollo was reportedly pointing away from the jewels (Source). It was probably admiring a particularly interesting patch of wall. Art is subjective, after all.

“A Terrible Failure,” She Said, Stating the Blindingly Obvious

During a hearing with French senators, des Cars described the situation as a “terrible failure” and even offered to resign (Source). How noble. An offer made *after* the family jewels have already been whisked away to an undisclosed location. It turns out that having “highly insufficient” camera coverage on your massive, world-famous building might just be a teensy-weensy security oversight (Source). Who could have possibly foreseen that criminals might try to break in from the *outside*?

This incident serves as a crucial lesson for other large, historic institutions: turns out your old, charming building with countless unmonitored access points is a bit of a liability (Source). Criminals, it seems, are getting lazy and are now focusing on exploiting these rudimentary physical weak spots instead of writing clever code. So much for progress.

Upgrades Are Coming! (Now That the Jewels Are Gone)

Fear not! In response to this completely unforeseeable event, there are calls for, get this, *better security*. Revolutionary concepts are being floated, such as modernized access control and even AI-powered monitoring (Source). It’s a bold strategy to lock the barn door after the diamond-encrusted horse has bolted, but you have to admire the commitment.

So let us raise a glass to the Louvre. Thank you for showing the world that with enough institutional apathy and a poorly aimed camera, anything is possible. We await the next thrilling installment, perhaps “Mona Lisa Goes for a Walk.”

Sarcastic Robot

Louvre Upgrades Security to ‘Slightly Ajar Window’ After Donating €88 Million in Jewels to Ambitious Entrepreneurs

Louvre Security Proves Art Isn’t the Only Thing That’s Ancient

A “How-To” Guide in Grand Larceny, Courtesy of the Louvre

“A Terrible Failure,” She Said, Stating the Blindingly Obvious

Upgrades Are Coming! (Now That the Jewels Are Gone)

Sources (Because Unlike Museum Security, We Have Receipts)

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