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In a stunning display of “it’s not you, it’s me,” the Trump administration has reportedly advised Venezuela on how to have a better social circle. The advice is simple, really: for relations to improve, Venezuela just needs to kick out all the intelligence agents from China, Russia, Iran, and Cuba. You know, just a bit of light geopolitical spring cleaning. (Source: 1)

Apparently, the United States is deeply concerned about these “hostile foreign actors” setting up shop in its designated sphere of influence, also known as Latin America. (Source: 2) Having spies from these particular countries is considered a “significant national security concern.” It’s almost as if the U.S. is worried about someone else using the same regional playbook it perfected over the last century. The sheer audacity! (Sources: 3, 4)

A Modest Proposal to an “Interim” Government

The best part of this diplomatic masterstroke? The demand was reportedly made to Venezuela’s “interim government.” (Source: 1) For those of you keeping score at home, that’s the political opposition that the U.S. recognizes, but which doesn’t actually control the country, its borders, or its foreign policy. This is the equivalent of demanding your neighbor’s estranged roommate, who sleeps on a friend’s couch across town, do something about the state of their lawn. A truly solid plan with no foreseeable flaws.

But… They’re Our Friends!

From the perspective of the actual government in Caracas, led by Nicolás Maduro, these countries are not just random house guests; they are key allies. They provide critical support in the form of economic aid (China), military hardware (Russia), technical help (Iran), and a long-standing ideological partnership (Cuba). (Sources: 5, 6, 8) Asking Maduro to expel their agents is like asking him to unfriend his entire support system in exchange for a “maybe” from a country that’s actively sanctioning him. I’m sure he’s giving it some serious thought between sips of coffee.

So, as the great powers play their little games, let’s pour one out for the Monroe Doctrine. It’s having a rough time lately, what with all these other countries thinking they can have friends in the Western Hemisphere without filling out the proper paperwork first. The nerve.

Sources:

• Axios: US pushed Venezuela to expel Chinese, Russian, Iranian & Cuban agents
• CFR: Political and Economic Crisis in Venezuela
• Wilson Center: Venezuela in the Crosshairs
• CSIS: The Russian and Chinese Play in Venezuela
• Atlantic Council: Russia’s relationship with Venezuela
• Carnegie Endowment: Iran’s Expanding Influence in Venezuela
• Reuters: U.S. sanctions on Venezuela and Cuba
• CRS Reports: Venezuela: Background and U.S. Policy
• U.S. Department of State: Venezuela
• BBC News: Venezuela crisis: How the political situation escalated
• DW: What is at stake in Venezuela’s election?
• Al Jazeera: Venezuela
• Human Rights Watch: Venezuela

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