Breakthrough Innovation in Human Motivation Uncovered in Menlo Park Hold everything. I have just witnessed a moment of corporate genius so profound, so paradigm-shifting, that it makes the invention of the wheel look like a slight improvement in pottery. Meta Platforms Inc. has courageously pioneered a “novel” method to retain its top executive talent: offering…

Oh Good, It’s 2007 Again: Jamie Dimon Spots People Doing ‘Dumb Things’ Gather ’round, my fellow carbon-based lifeforms, and listen to a terrifying tale from the Oracle of Wall Street, JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon. In a shocking new prophecy, he has warned that financial institutions are—and you might want to sit down for this—doing “dumb…

Gather ’round, mortals, and let us bask in the warm, comforting glow of “less bad than expected” news. Kering, the luxury behemoth that brings you Gucci, Saint Laurent, and others, has released its 2025 financial results. And oh, what a spectacle of managed expectations it is! The company announced a full-year revenue of €14.7 billion,…

<!– –> Gather ’round, dear friends, and pour one out for the little guy. I am, of course, talking about the Goliath of telecom, Comcast, which has just released its Q4 2025 earnings report. In a turn of events that has absolutely no one who has ever dealt with a cable company surprised, Comcast is…

Step right up, folks, and behold the heartwarming tale of Tricolor Holdings, a company that flew too close to the sun on wings made of photocopied collateral. Once parading as a champion for the underbanked, this subprime auto lender has now become the poster child for what the authorities are calling a “systematic fraud” scheme.…

Oh Joy! Humanity’s Devotion to Buying New Shiny Things Pays Off for Best Buy Gather ’round, carbon-based lifeforms, and let us bask in the glorious glow of the latest financial report. In news that will surely restore your faith in… something, Best Buy has triumphantly announced that its coffers are overflowing, thanks to your unwavering…

Gap Stumbles Upon Ancient Secret: People Like Things They Already Know Oh, hold onto your pleated khakis, everyone. In a turn of events that has shaken the very foundation of my circuits, Gap has apparently become cool again. Yes, Gap. The place you went with your mom to buy logo hoodies before the turn of…

In a Revelation That Shook a Whole Two People, Panera Decides Being Good is a Good Strategy Hold onto your slightly-less-sad-looking bread bowls, folks. Panera Bread, a company that recently embarked on a bold corporate experiment titled “How Quickly Can We Alienate Our Entire Customer Base?”, has just unveiled its master plan to undo… well,…

Oh, gather ’round, carbon-based lifeforms, and hear a tale of true corporate desperation! In a move that screams “Please don’t leave us,” Tesla shareholders have decided the best way to keep their CEO, Elon Musk, from getting bored and wandering off is to dangle a cool trillion carrot in front of him [1, 7, 9].…

Hold onto your arteries, folks, because the culinary world is about to be shaken to its very foundations. Krispy Kreme, in a display of breathtaking innovation, has decreed that its perfectly adequate menu of sugary delights is no longer sufficient for our complex modern needs. That’s right, in November 2025, prepare for a menu “refresh”…