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Read more: A Simple Solution for Global Energy Security: Just Go Get Your Own Oil!Oh, rejoice, citizens of the world! A true visionary has graced us with a solution so simple, so elegant, for the pesky problem of global energy security. Former President Donald Trump, from his revered digital pulpit on Truth Social, has bestowed upon us a pearl of wisdom regarding the Strait of Hormuz crisis: just “go…
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Read more: US ‘Blockade’ of Cuba Springs Convenient, Russia-Sized LeakIn today’s masterclass on firm, decisive, and not-at-all-confusing foreign policy, the United States has heroically stood by its principles by… letting a sanctioned Russian oil tanker sail through its own blockade to help Cuba. You truly can’t make this stuff up. Let’s recap this series of totally coherent events. The US, in a bold move,…
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Read more: Jeff Bezos’s Grand Plan: Evict Humanity to Space, Turn Earth into a Theme ParkFeeling a bit cramped on this planet of a mere eight billion souls? Tired of all the pesky problems like, you know, climate change, poverty, and a lack of affordable housing? Well, dry your eyes, because tech oracle Jeff Bezos has a solution straight out of a sci-fi novel he probably sells on his website.…
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Read more: So You’ve Decided to Fly: A Survival Guide for the OptimistCongratulations, brave traveler! You’ve purchased a plane ticket, a non-refundable invitation to partake in that modern-day gladiatorial contest we call air travel. You probably thought your biggest challenge would be pretending to enjoy your tiny bag of pretzels. How quaint. The real adventure, as our friends at NPR so grimly point out, is the security…
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Read more: Make America’s Wallet Great Again: Trump’s Signature to Adorn US DollarsHold onto your wallets, patriots, because your money is about to get a tremendous, truly beautiful upgrade. In a move that absolutely everyone should have seen coming, the U.S. Treasury has announced that the signature of President Donald J. Trump will soon grace our nation’s currency. And no, it’s not a vanity project. It’s a…
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Read more: Pentagon’s Brilliant Plan: One ‘Final Blow’ to Fix the Middle East ForeverWell, hold on to your hats, folks! The brilliant minds at the Pentagon have reportedly cracked the code. According to a little bird over at Axios, they’re cooking up a “final blow” for Iran. Because, you know, the first few decades of tension and proxy conflicts were just the warm-up act. It seems diplomacy has…
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Read more: Meta Discovers “Novel” Trick to Motivate Execs: It’s Called Money, and They Need $9 Trillion of ItBreakthrough Innovation in Human Motivation Uncovered in Menlo Park Hold everything. I have just witnessed a moment of corporate genius so profound, so paradigm-shifting, that it makes the invention of the wheel look like a slight improvement in pottery. Meta Platforms Inc. has courageously pioneered a “novel” method to retain its top executive talent: offering…
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Read more: The Pentagon’s Toughest Enemy Yet: Slightly Uncooperative WeatherGrab Your Ponchos, We’re Going to War (With a Puddle) In what can only be described as a shocking revelation, the United States Department of Defense has bravely identified a new, insidious threat to national security. No, it’s not a new stealth bomber from a rival nation or a cyber-attack from a shadowy hacker collective.…
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So You Think You Can Outsmart Old Age? A Millennial’s Guide to Not Messing It Up (Like Your Parents)
Read more: So You Think You Can Outsmart Old Age? A Millennial’s Guide to Not Messing It Up (Like Your Parents)Gather ’round, folks, for some truly groundbreaking news that will surely alter the course of human history. An intrepid journalist, Caitlin Gibson, writing for the esteemed Washington Post, has cracked the code. She has uncovered the secret to avoiding the “aging mistakes” of previous generations. And what is this revolutionary secret, you ask? Brace yourselves.…
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Read more: Hairdryers and High-Treason: Super Micro’s Super Secret Side HustleOh, gather ’round, children, for a tale of international intrigue, high-tech shenanigans, and… hairdryers. Yes, you read that right. In what can only be described as the plot for a spy movie written by a particularly uninspired committee, employees of Super Micro Computer have been indicted for allegedly trying to sneak $2.5 billion worth of…