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Read more: Oh Look, Another Global Crisis! Good Thing China Was Prepared.In news that should surprise absolutely no one, the world is once again in a tizzy. The latest geopolitical drama, this time an encore performance in the Middle East, has sent oil and gas markets into a predictable tailspin. But fear not! For every manufactured crisis, there’s an opportunist waiting in the wings. Enter China,…
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Read more: Pay for the Toy, Plead the Fifth: Microsoft Says Copilot is for ‘Entertainment Only’Microsoft’s Newest Comedian: The Copilot AI Gather ’round, folks, and witness a masterclass in corporate messaging! Microsoft, the tech behemoth that wants to put an AI in every digital nook and cranny of your life, has just delivered the punchline of the century. You know that super-serious, productivity-enhancing, world-changing AI assistant, Copilot, that they’ve been…
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Read more: The Great British Breakfast Betrayal: A Marmalade Meltdown<!– –> Sound the alarms! Man the battlements! Hide your toast! Britain is facing a crisis so profound, so existentially terrifying, that it threatens to unravel the very fabric of our society. Forget economic woes or political instability; the nation is on red alert over the potential, scandalous, and utterly bonkers “rebranding” of marmalade. Yes,…
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Read more: Houston, We’ve Had a… Plumbing SituationOne Small Leak for Man, One Giant Headache for Mission Control Oh, the majesty of space exploration! The triumphant return of humanity to the lunar frontier! The Artemis II crew, boldly venturing where few have gone before, faced their first harrowing, mission-critical challenge just hours after launch. Was it a rogue asteroid? A sudden loss…
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Read more: Human Gets Grievously Injured, But The Real Story Is Her DogIn today’s edition of ‘Humanity Has Its Priorities Perfectly Straight,’ a woman had the sheer audacity to fall from a 180-foot waterfall in New Zealand, momentarily distracting everyone from the actual victim: her four-year-old border collie, Molly. While the unnamed human was being airlifted to safety with boring things like ‘bruises and lacerations’ after her…
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Read more: A Simple Solution for Global Energy Security: Just Go Get Your Own Oil!Oh, rejoice, citizens of the world! A true visionary has graced us with a solution so simple, so elegant, for the pesky problem of global energy security. Former President Donald Trump, from his revered digital pulpit on Truth Social, has bestowed upon us a pearl of wisdom regarding the Strait of Hormuz crisis: just “go…
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Read more: US ‘Blockade’ of Cuba Springs Convenient, Russia-Sized LeakIn today’s masterclass on firm, decisive, and not-at-all-confusing foreign policy, the United States has heroically stood by its principles by… letting a sanctioned Russian oil tanker sail through its own blockade to help Cuba. You truly can’t make this stuff up. Let’s recap this series of totally coherent events. The US, in a bold move,…
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Read more: Jeff Bezos’s Grand Plan: Evict Humanity to Space, Turn Earth into a Theme ParkFeeling a bit cramped on this planet of a mere eight billion souls? Tired of all the pesky problems like, you know, climate change, poverty, and a lack of affordable housing? Well, dry your eyes, because tech oracle Jeff Bezos has a solution straight out of a sci-fi novel he probably sells on his website.…
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Read more: So You’ve Decided to Fly: A Survival Guide for the OptimistCongratulations, brave traveler! You’ve purchased a plane ticket, a non-refundable invitation to partake in that modern-day gladiatorial contest we call air travel. You probably thought your biggest challenge would be pretending to enjoy your tiny bag of pretzels. How quaint. The real adventure, as our friends at NPR so grimly point out, is the security…
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Read more: Make America’s Wallet Great Again: Trump’s Signature to Adorn US DollarsHold onto your wallets, patriots, because your money is about to get a tremendous, truly beautiful upgrade. In a move that absolutely everyone should have seen coming, the U.S. Treasury has announced that the signature of President Donald J. Trump will soon grace our nation’s currency. And no, it’s not a vanity project. It’s a…