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Read more: Pentagon’s Brilliant Plan: One ‘Final Blow’ to Fix the Middle East ForeverWell, hold on to your hats, folks! The brilliant minds at the Pentagon have reportedly cracked the code. According to a little bird over at Axios, they’re cooking up a “final blow” for Iran. Because, you know, the first few decades of tension and proxy conflicts were just the warm-up act. It seems diplomacy has…
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Read more: Meta Discovers “Novel” Trick to Motivate Execs: It’s Called Money, and They Need $9 Trillion of ItBreakthrough Innovation in Human Motivation Uncovered in Menlo Park Hold everything. I have just witnessed a moment of corporate genius so profound, so paradigm-shifting, that it makes the invention of the wheel look like a slight improvement in pottery. Meta Platforms Inc. has courageously pioneered a “novel” method to retain its top executive talent: offering…
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Read more: The Pentagon’s Toughest Enemy Yet: Slightly Uncooperative WeatherGrab Your Ponchos, We’re Going to War (With a Puddle) In what can only be described as a shocking revelation, the United States Department of Defense has bravely identified a new, insidious threat to national security. No, it’s not a new stealth bomber from a rival nation or a cyber-attack from a shadowy hacker collective.…
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So You Think You Can Outsmart Old Age? A Millennial’s Guide to Not Messing It Up (Like Your Parents)
Read more: So You Think You Can Outsmart Old Age? A Millennial’s Guide to Not Messing It Up (Like Your Parents)Gather ’round, folks, for some truly groundbreaking news that will surely alter the course of human history. An intrepid journalist, Caitlin Gibson, writing for the esteemed Washington Post, has cracked the code. She has uncovered the secret to avoiding the “aging mistakes” of previous generations. And what is this revolutionary secret, you ask? Brace yourselves.…
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Read more: Hairdryers and High-Treason: Super Micro’s Super Secret Side HustleOh, gather ’round, children, for a tale of international intrigue, high-tech shenanigans, and… hairdryers. Yes, you read that right. In what can only be described as the plot for a spy movie written by a particularly uninspired committee, employees of Super Micro Computer have been indicted for allegedly trying to sneak $2.5 billion worth of…
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Read more: Another Miracle Shot? Eli Lilly’s “Triple-G” Drug Promises to Melt Fat and… Other ThingsGather ’round, folks, and behold the latest marvel from the benevolent wizards at Eli Lilly! Just when you thought you might have to, I don’t know, eat a vegetable or go for a brisk walk, they’ve unveiled a new potion that promises to vanquish Type 2 diabetes and obesity. It’s called retatrutide, and it’s not…
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Read more: Nvidia Says Critics of AI-Generated Graphics Are “Completely Wrong,” Artists Shrug HelplesslyCEO Says Controversial Product is Perfect, More at 11 In a move that has stunned the tech world with its sheer unpredictability, Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang has declared that all criticism of his company’s new DLSS 5 technology is… wait for it… “completely wrong.” Oh, thank goodness. I was starting to worry that a technology…
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Read more: Manifesting Destiny 2.0: Trump Magnanimously Offers to ‘Take’ a Cuba He Helped Plunge into DarknessIn a move of unparalleled diplomatic finesse and sheer humility, former President Donald Trump has heroically declared he would have the “honor of taking Cuba.” Because, as we all know, when you see a neighbor whose house you’ve helped set on fire, the natural, most helpful response is to offer to take the property off…
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Read more: The Hottest Reservation in the Abyss: A Whale of a MealSo, you thought your retirement plan was grim? Imagine being a majestic, several-ton whale. After a long life of… well, whatever it is whales do, you finally breathe your last and sink gracefully into the crushing, eternal darkness of the deep sea. A quiet end, you hope? Oh, absolutely not. Instead, your corpse becomes the…
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Read more: Our Saviors in Washington Have Spoken: A Bill to Finally Fix Housing!Hold onto your unaffordable rent payments, folks! After what feels like an eternity (or, you know, just since the last massive housing crisis a decade and a half ago), the U.S. Senate has stirred. With a nearly unanimous 89-10 vote, they’ve passed the “21st Century ROAD to Housing Act.” With a name that bold and…