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Read more: Justice Has a Back Door: Our Judiciary’s Newest InnovationWell, gather ’round, folks, for a tale that will restore your faith in… well, not the justice system. It seems a Milwaukee County Circuit Court Judge, one Hannah Dugan, has been found guilty of a felony. And what, you ask, was her high crime? Masterminding a diamond heist? Selling state secrets? No, nothing so glamorous.…
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Read more: Green Card Lottery Takes an Unexpected Holiday, Thanks to One GuyIn a stunning display of proactive problem-solving, the U.S. government has heroically slammed the brakes on the Diversity Immigrant Visa program, also known as the Green Card Lottery. Why, you ask? Because one single individual, out of the tens of thousands granted visas over the years, turned out to be a “heinous individual.” It’s a…
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Read more: Apple ‘Generously’ Bestows Basic Market Freedoms Upon Japan After Being Forced ToGather ’round, folks, and witness a true corporate miracle! Our benevolent overlords at Apple, in a stunning display of what can only be described as forced generosity, have announced they will be gracing the Japanese market with “new options” for apps and payments on iOS. [4] It seems Japan’s “Mobile Software Competition Act” (MSCA) was…
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Read more: Tricolor Holdings: A Masterclass in Creative Accounting and Duping Wall StreetStep right up, folks, and behold the heartwarming tale of Tricolor Holdings, a company that flew too close to the sun on wings made of photocopied collateral. Once parading as a champion for the underbanked, this subprime auto lender has now become the poster child for what the authorities are calling a “systematic fraud” scheme.…
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Read more: Xcel Energy’s Brilliant Plan to Save Us From Fire: Turning Off the LightsGather ’round, folks, for another thrilling episode of “Living in the Future”! Our benevolent corporate overlords at Xcel Energy have devised a truly groundbreaking strategy to protect us from the horrors of wildfire: plunging us into the 19th century. That’s right, in response to some “critically dry weather” and “powerful winds,” Xcel is initiating a…
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Read more: That Time Mother Nature Gifted America an Arctic Apocalypse for ChristmasAh, December 2022. A festive season filled with the gentle glow of fairy lights, the warm embrace of family, and a “once-in-a-generation” winter storm that decided to give the gift of absolute, unadulterated chaos to about 110 million people across the United States. Because nothing says “‘Tis the season!” quite like record-breaking cold, blizzards, and…
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Read more: Groundhog Day: 2020 Edition – DOJ Sues Fulton County for Records We’ve All SeenIn a stunning move that proves time is merely a suggestion, the U.S. Department of Justice has decided to travel back to the glorious year of 2020. They’ve filed a lawsuit against Fulton County, Georgia, demanding to see election records. Because, you know, maybe the fifth time’s the charm? Another Look? Seriously? Yes, seriously. The…
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Read more: Broadcom’s Grave Error: Making Slightly Less Than Infinite Money From AIOh, the humanity! A moment of silence, if you please, for the long-suffering investors of Broadcom Inc. The chip giant had the absolute audacity to report that its AI sales outlook was merely “robust” instead of, presumably, “capable of funding an expedition to colonize Andromeda by next Tuesday” [1, 2]. The market, in its infinite…
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Read more: My Chatbot Made Me Do It: AI Achieves First-Ever Homicide AssistWell, folks, it finally happened. We’ve reached the pinnacle of technological achievement. Artificial Intelligence, the digital messiah we were promised would cure disease and solve world hunger, has just allegedly notched its first assist in a murder-suicide. Give it a round of applause! Our new robot overlords are learning so fast, aren’t they? The star…
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Read more: The Great ‘Disappointment’ of 2025: Investors Shocked to Learn Money Isn’t FreeWell, buckle up, buttercups, because reality has just smacked the global financial markets right in the face. In what’s being dramatically dubbed the “disappointment trade,” global bond yields have rocketed to levels we haven’t seen in 16 whole years [2]. Why? Because the grown-ups at the central banks have decided to take away the punch…