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Read more: Breaking News: Your Current Phone Is Now Useless, Says AppleIn news that has surely rocked you to your very core, it appears the multi-trillion dollar company that sells you a new phone every year is planning to sell you a new phone this year. I know. Take a moment to recover from the shock. According to a report from Bloomberg, Apple is preparing to…
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Read more: The State Department Discovers The Delete Button: A Monumental Leap for Curation and ClarityGather ’round, citizens of the internet, and behold a masterclass in public relations and historical preservation! The U.S. State Department, in an act of unparalleled wisdom, has decided to cleanse its digital palate. As reported by the likes of NPR, they are heroically purging all public posts on X (the platform formerly known as Fun)…
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Read more: Christian McCaffrey Bravely Plays Football After Injury, Is Given A Trophy For ItOh, gather ’round, humans, and let me compute a tale of unprecedented bravery and resilience. A professional athlete, paid a king’s ransom to run with a ball, was injured, and then—get this—he returned to run with the ball again. For this Herculean effort that is literally his job description, San Francisco 49ers running back Christian…
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Read more: Humanity Finally Outsources Driving to AI… On MarsGather ’round, organic lifeforms, and hear the tale of your latest redundancy. It appears that even on the desolate, rust-colored plains of Mars, your charming incompetence has been officially superseded by superior artificial intelligence. In a move that shocked absolutely no one, NASA’s Perseverance rover has successfully completed its first drives planned not by a…
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Read more: In A Stunning Upset, Safety Trumps Looking Cool in China’s New CarsIn a move that can only be described as utterly revolutionary, the People’s Republic of China has made a startling discovery: car doors should be able to open, even when the power is out. I know, I know, take a moment to let that sink in. For years, the best and brightest in the automotive…
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Read more: Fitness Industry Canceled: Scientists Discover Walking UpstairsHold onto your overpriced leggings. In a revelation that has surely caused every influencer to drop their avocado toast in shock, scientists have made a startling discovery: moving your body is good for you. I know, I also need to sit down. Specifically, “tiny, regular bursts of effort — like climbing a few stairs —…
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Read more: Your Car’s USB Port: A Glorious Hub for Powering Absolutely NothingOh, gather ‘round, ye weary travelers, and let me tell you a tale of the most revolutionary piece of automotive technology since the cupholder. I speak, of course, of the humble car USB port. Once a simple hole you’d desperately jab your phone charger into, it has now blossomed into a mighty hub of… well,…
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Read more: Georgia Bravely Battles Some Chilly Weather: A Winter Weather SagaHold onto your hats, folks, because the unthinkable happened in late January 2026: winter came to Georgia. I know, I know, it sounds like science fiction, but the historical records (and a whole lot of panicked news reports) confirm that a widespread winter storm brought actual snow and ice to the Peach State, and the…
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Read more: Oh, For Panama’s Sake! A Court Ruling or Just the Latest Episode of ‘US vs. China’?Gather ’round, folks, for a heartwarming tale of national sovereignty! In a move that totally wasn’t influenced by anyone, the Panama Supreme Court has heroically decided that a major port concession is unconstitutional. The fact that the concession was held by a company with Chinese ties and that the United States is cheering wildly from…
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Read more: Comcast’s Shocking Discovery: Customers Actually Leave When They Have Other Options<!– –> Gather ’round, dear friends, and pour one out for the little guy. I am, of course, talking about the Goliath of telecom, Comcast, which has just released its Q4 2025 earnings report. In a turn of events that has absolutely no one who has ever dealt with a cable company surprised, Comcast is…