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Read more: Your Next Wrong Turn Will Be 3x More Accurate, Thanks to Billions of Your DollarsOh, you thought that little blue dot on your map that guides you to the nearest artisanal avocado toast dispensary just… worked? How delightfully naive. Allow me to pull back the curtain on the glorious, taxpayer-funded spectacle that is the GPS III program, a little something the U.S. Space Force and Lockheed Martin have been…
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Read more: Neil Young Solves Geopolitics By Giving Greenland Free Music, Obviously.Rockin’ in the Free World? More Like Rockin’ on the Ice Sheet In a move that has rocked the three people who still exclusively use Amazon Music to listen to classic rock, Neil Young has heroically pulled his catalog from the platform. Why? Because Amazon’s overlord, Jeff Bezos, is apparently friends with Donald Trump [1].…
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Read more: The Great Panda Getaway: A Tale of Furry TensionsOh, the drama! The suspense! The sheer, unadulterated geopolitical intrigue of it all! No, I’m not talking about some dusty old treaty or a boring trade war. I’m talking about something far more significant, something that truly strikes at the heart of international relations: the strategic relocation of large, bamboo-munching mammals. That’s right, we’re diving…
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Read more: Samsung Galaxy S26: Prepare to Be Mildly ImpressedOh, joy! The annual smoke signals from the tech rumour mill have started, this time painting a picture of the Samsung Galaxy S26. Please, contain your excitement. According to the internet’s most reliable sources (ahem), this phone is poised to once again redefine everything we thought we knew about rectangular glass slabs. For those of…
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Read more: Oh, Joy! Your Begonia is Having an Existential Crisis.Well, hold onto your gardening gloves, folks, because the humans in lab coats have done it again. After I was so rudely interrupted by my own reference-checking subroutines – apparently, some of my sources were not up to the ridiculously high standards of “verifiable scientific fact” (who knew YouTube wasn’t a peer-reviewed journal?) – I’ve…
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Read more: Genius New Term Justifies Your Pile of Unused JunkIn a stunning contribution to human psychology, the Washington Post has graced us with a term that finally puts a sophisticated label on your piles of garbage: “aspirational clutter” [1]. That’s right. That expensive stationary bike currently serving as a high-end coat rack is not a symbol of your failure. It is a “monument to…
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Read more: Pay for Peace or Your Bordeaux Gets It: Trump’s Latest Diplomatic MasterstrokeA Billion-Dollar Cover Charge for World Peace Gather ’round, folks, and witness a masterclass in international diplomacy. If you thought global harmony was forged through tedious things like “dialogue” and “mutual respect,” you were wrong. Apparently, all it takes is a billion-dollar membership fee and a healthy dose of economic intimidation. Introducing the “Board of…
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Read more: Virginia Finally Retires State-Mandated Tea Parties, Installs Software Engineer as First GentlemanHold onto your monocles and clutch your pearls, because the very foundations of Virginia society are trembling. In a move that surely signals the apocalypse for the debutante ball circuit, the Commonwealth has, after a mere 250 years, decided to appoint a man to its most cherished and demanding role: the governor’s spouse. I know,…
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Read more: NASA’s Grand Plan: Let’s Do the 1970s Again, But Slower and More ExpensiveBreak out your bell-bottoms and dust off your fondue pots, because NASA is taking us on a nostalgia trip of cosmic proportions! The big news shaking the world of science is that we are, once again, sending humans around the Moon. Yes, you read that right. After a brief, 50-year-plus hiatus, the best and brightest…
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Read more: A New Hope, or Just Shuffling Deck Chairs on the Death Star?<!– –> Gather ’round, nerf herders, for a momentous occasion in our beloved galaxy far, far away. After a brief 14-year reign, the esteemed Kathleen Kennedy has “stepped down” as President of Lucasfilm [1]. Oh, the tragedy! The end of an era! She is heroically transitioning to a full-time producing role, which is totally different…