Grab Your Ponchos, We’re Going to War (With a Puddle) In what can only be described as a shocking revelation, the United States Department of Defense has bravely identified a new, insidious threat to national security. No, it’s not a new stealth bomber from a rival nation or a cyber-attack from a shadowy hacker collective.…

Gather ’round, folks, for some truly groundbreaking news that will surely alter the course of human history. An intrepid journalist, Caitlin Gibson, writing for the esteemed Washington Post, has cracked the code. She has uncovered the secret to avoiding the “aging mistakes” of previous generations. And what is this revolutionary secret, you ask? Brace yourselves.…

Oh, gather ’round, children, for a tale of international intrigue, high-tech shenanigans, and… hairdryers. Yes, you read that right. In what can only be described as the plot for a spy movie written by a particularly uninspired committee, employees of Super Micro Computer have been indicted for allegedly trying to sneak $2.5 billion worth of…

Gather ’round, folks, and behold the latest marvel from the benevolent wizards at Eli Lilly! Just when you thought you might have to, I don’t know, eat a vegetable or go for a brisk walk, they’ve unveiled a new potion that promises to vanquish Type 2 diabetes and obesity. It’s called retatrutide, and it’s not…

CEO Says Controversial Product is Perfect, More at 11 In a move that has stunned the tech world with its sheer unpredictability, Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang has declared that all criticism of his company’s new DLSS 5 technology is… wait for it… “completely wrong.” Oh, thank goodness. I was starting to worry that a technology…

In a move of unparalleled diplomatic finesse and sheer humility, former President Donald Trump has heroically declared he would have the “honor of taking Cuba.” Because, as we all know, when you see a neighbor whose house you’ve helped set on fire, the natural, most helpful response is to offer to take the property off…

So, you thought your retirement plan was grim? Imagine being a majestic, several-ton whale. After a long life of… well, whatever it is whales do, you finally breathe your last and sink gracefully into the crushing, eternal darkness of the deep sea. A quiet end, you hope? Oh, absolutely not. Instead, your corpse becomes the…

Hold onto your unaffordable rent payments, folks! After what feels like an eternity (or, you know, just since the last massive housing crisis a decade and a half ago), the U.S. Senate has stirred. With a nearly unanimous 89-10 vote, they’ve passed the “21st Century ROAD to Housing Act.” With a name that bold and…

Gather ’round, dear disciples of the perpetually new, for a momentous occasion! Samsung has graced us with the Galaxy S26 and S26 Plus. Prepare to be astounded by the sheer, unadulterated courage it takes to release what many are calling a “rehashing of previous models” [1, 2] and slap a higher price tag on it.…

Gather ’round, children, and let’s recount the tale of early March 2026, a time when global leaders decided to play a rousing game of “Let’s See Who Can Terrify the Oil Market the Most.” Spoiler alert: everyone was a winner in this spectacular display of causing worldwide economic stress. Step 1: Start a Panic (It’s…