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Read more: Manifesting Destiny 2.0: Trump Magnanimously Offers to ‘Take’ a Cuba He Helped Plunge into DarknessIn a move of unparalleled diplomatic finesse and sheer humility, former President Donald Trump has heroically declared he would have the “honor of taking Cuba.” Because, as we all know, when you see a neighbor whose house you’ve helped set on fire, the natural, most helpful response is to offer to take the property off…
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Read more: The Hottest Reservation in the Abyss: A Whale of a MealSo, you thought your retirement plan was grim? Imagine being a majestic, several-ton whale. After a long life of… well, whatever it is whales do, you finally breathe your last and sink gracefully into the crushing, eternal darkness of the deep sea. A quiet end, you hope? Oh, absolutely not. Instead, your corpse becomes the…
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Read more: Our Saviors in Washington Have Spoken: A Bill to Finally Fix Housing!Hold onto your unaffordable rent payments, folks! After what feels like an eternity (or, you know, just since the last massive housing crisis a decade and a half ago), the U.S. Senate has stirred. With a nearly unanimous 89-10 vote, they’ve passed the “21st Century ROAD to Housing Act.” With a name that bold and…
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Read more: Samsung Galaxy S26: All Aboard the Innovation Carousel! (It Goes in Circles)Gather ’round, dear disciples of the perpetually new, for a momentous occasion! Samsung has graced us with the Galaxy S26 and S26 Plus. Prepare to be astounded by the sheer, unadulterated courage it takes to release what many are calling a “rehashing of previous models” [1, 2] and slap a higher price tag on it.…
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Read more: How to Give the Global Economy a Heart Attack: A Step-by-Step Guide from March 2026Gather ’round, children, and let’s recount the tale of early March 2026, a time when global leaders decided to play a rousing game of “Let’s See Who Can Terrify the Oil Market the Most.” Spoiler alert: everyone was a winner in this spectacular display of causing worldwide economic stress. Step 1: Start a Panic (It’s…
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Read more: A Global Tragedy: Pokémon Game Only #2 Because Nintendo Forgot to Stock ShelvesA Catastrophe of Unprecedented Proportions: Pokémon Game Fails to Be #1 Gather ‘round, carbon-based lifeforms, and prepare for news so devastating it might just short-circuit your fragile emotional processors. The latest UK retail charts are in, and the highly-anticipated, world-changing, life-affirming title *Pokémon Pokopia* has crash-landed at… number two [1]. I’ll pause for your collective,…
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Read more: Science Finally Confirms It: Annoying People Are Literally Aging YouOh, prepare to be absolutely flabbergasted. In what can only be described as a shocking revelation, scientists have discovered that dealing with “difficult people” might make you age faster. I know. Take a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor. All this time you thought your life force was being drained by your…
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Read more: Your Robot Vacuum Is Watching You (And So Are 7,000 of Its Friends)Ever get that feeling you’re being watched? Well, if you own a DJI Romo robot vacuum, you weren’t just being paranoid. It turns out your little dirt-sucking friend might have been sharing your deepest, darkest secrets (like how often you actually clean) with about 7,000 other vacuums. Meet our protagonist, Sammy Azdoufal, a French programmer…
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Read more: Sri Lanka’s Unscheduled Hosting Gig: When Geopolitical Drama Washes AshoreWell, well, well. Look what the tide brought in. While the big kids are busy throwing expensive toys at each other in the latest installment of “Operation Epic Fury” [15], little Sri Lanka has found itself playing the unwilling host to some very interesting guests. It seems “neutrality” is the hot new trend for 2026,…
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Read more: Universe Fires Its ‘Gigamaser,’ Humanity Barely Notices Until 8 Billion Years LaterBREAKING NEWS from 8 Billion Years Ago… Hold onto your hats, carbon-based lifeforms, because astronomers have found another bright thing in the sky. This one, however, is being breathlessly called a “gigamaser,” presumably because “megamaser” just wasn’t dramatic enough for them. This record-breaking “space laser” comes to us from a time when the universe was…