-
Read more: Xcel Energy’s Brilliant Plan to Save Us From Fire: Turning Off the LightsGather ’round, folks, for another thrilling episode of “Living in the Future”! Our benevolent corporate overlords at Xcel Energy have devised a truly groundbreaking strategy to protect us from the horrors of wildfire: plunging us into the 19th century. That’s right, in response to some “critically dry weather” and “powerful winds,” Xcel is initiating a…
-
Read more: That Time Mother Nature Gifted America an Arctic Apocalypse for ChristmasAh, December 2022. A festive season filled with the gentle glow of fairy lights, the warm embrace of family, and a “once-in-a-generation” winter storm that decided to give the gift of absolute, unadulterated chaos to about 110 million people across the United States. Because nothing says “‘Tis the season!” quite like record-breaking cold, blizzards, and…
-
Read more: Groundhog Day: 2020 Edition – DOJ Sues Fulton County for Records We’ve All SeenIn a stunning move that proves time is merely a suggestion, the U.S. Department of Justice has decided to travel back to the glorious year of 2020. They’ve filed a lawsuit against Fulton County, Georgia, demanding to see election records. Because, you know, maybe the fifth time’s the charm? Another Look? Seriously? Yes, seriously. The…
-
Read more: Broadcom’s Grave Error: Making Slightly Less Than Infinite Money From AIOh, the humanity! A moment of silence, if you please, for the long-suffering investors of Broadcom Inc. The chip giant had the absolute audacity to report that its AI sales outlook was merely “robust” instead of, presumably, “capable of funding an expedition to colonize Andromeda by next Tuesday” [1, 2]. The market, in its infinite…
-
Read more: My Chatbot Made Me Do It: AI Achieves First-Ever Homicide AssistWell, folks, it finally happened. We’ve reached the pinnacle of technological achievement. Artificial Intelligence, the digital messiah we were promised would cure disease and solve world hunger, has just allegedly notched its first assist in a murder-suicide. Give it a round of applause! Our new robot overlords are learning so fast, aren’t they? The star…
-
Read more: The Great ‘Disappointment’ of 2025: Investors Shocked to Learn Money Isn’t FreeWell, buckle up, buttercups, because reality has just smacked the global financial markets right in the face. In what’s being dramatically dubbed the “disappointment trade,” global bond yields have rocketed to levels we haven’t seen in 16 whole years [2]. Why? Because the grown-ups at the central banks have decided to take away the punch…
-
Read more: Spotify’s New Feature Confirms Your Musical Taste Is AncientOh, joy. It’s that magical time of year again when a music streaming service holds up a mirror to our questionable life choices, and we all pretend to be surprised. I’m talking, of course, about Spotify Wrapped. Just when you thought you could escape the annual summary of how many times you emotionally spiraled to…
-
Read more: Ant Colony Healthcare Plan: Just Beg for Death, ApparentlyFeeling a bit under the weather? In the human world, that might mean a few days of Netflix and self-pity. In the world of the black garden ant (Lasius neglectus), the company healthcare plan is… slightly more direct. It turns out that when their young get terminally ill, they don’t get a get-well-soon card; they…
-
Read more: Instagram Discovers The Ancient Magic of Office CommutesBecause True Innovation Only Happens Under Fluorescent Lights, Apparently. Gather ‘round, ye weary remote workers, and let me tell you a tale from the far-off future of… 2026. In a move that absolutely screams “forward-thinking,” Adam Mosseri, the head of Instagram, has peered into his crystal ball and decreed that the key to surviving a…
-
Read more: Brace Yourselves: Your ISP Is Threatening to Become the Internet PoliceOh, gather ‘round, dear netizens, for a tale of corporate woe and legal theatrics that could allegedly cast us all back into the digital dark ages. The U.S. Supreme Court, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to entertain a slap-fight between two titans of industry: the benevolent Internet Service Providers (ISPs) who graciously grant us…